Recently we visited with a spirited discussion group who meet regularly at a senior center in Philadelphia. Their ages range from 60 to late 80s, mostly women. We wanted to know whether and how they are facing issues of loss of control over parts of their lives, maintaining independence, and retaining dignity. Jenny, who is a very active 80-something had a story that obviously resonated, given the laughter, nods of agreement and applause that followed. Here’s what she told us:
“I’m very fortunate to have a loving family. For many years I was the one who always entertained on holidays. Now I’m happy to contribute a special dish and leave everything else to others and be a guest. But I do notice that my daughters are starting to take over in some ways I didn’t invite. They’ve started buying clothes for me! Pants suits! I like choosing and buying my own clothes – by myself, and I still wear dresses and skirts. At first, I told them I didn’t really need what they were sending me. Didn’t work. Now I just say, ‘Thanks so much. You’re very thoughtful’ and never wear them.
She added, “But I do like the fact that they keep up with my medical reports and I even want one of them to go with me to doctor’s appointments.”
How about you? Is there something you’ve “handed over” to others or would like to? Conversely, do you feel that your children are infantilizing you by “taking over”? Do you worry about role reversal? Do you welcome it? Please share your thoughts with ElderChicks.com, your virtual community.
Remember, you can always remain anonymous as long as you provide your email address –which will never appear or be given out.
Recently I had the good fortune to discover a wonderful program that started right here in my own back yard. It’s called The Best Day of My Life (So Far), and was started by Benita Cooper, an architect, who was inspired by the stories her grandmother began to tell her in their weekly long-distance phone calls. Benita still spends an hour or so every week with the group she originally organized at a local senior center, but the program and the idea at its heart is growing and taking wing in many directions. The idea is that intergenerational communication, the power of personal stories, developing friendships, and the mutual understanding and inspiration that can grow from shared experiences all enrich our lives in powerful ways.
I remember . . . . . While we (many of us, that is) joke and complain about having to grope for names these days, our long-term memory seems to be intact. Witness my recent response to hearing that next Monday is Presidents’ Day:
My children are making the assumption that I can be left, in limbo, until I have a need. A need usually involves a medical emergency. I am having to remind myself that this is natural and to not have hurt feelings. I realize they are busy with their lives and accept that. They live in two separate cities. I am selfishly thinking, as I am widowed and live alone, how they can possibly forget to just call without a purpose or a holiday. It is as if I have been filed in the not important, but if necessary, I will accept responsibility for helping out. I miss their companionship. I do not know how to voice that without making them feel guilty which would make me unhappy also. A new mindset? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I just wanted to know if there are any other women who as they thought about retiring found themselves caught up between the practical side of the financial verses moving away to be closer to some family and warmer weather.
I was glad to briefly meet Thelma at BAKG (Big Apple Knitter’s Guild). I haven’t read your whole blog but it looks lovely.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” Josh smugly announced. “You are not my real grandfather.” Art, his step grandfather, was hurt and shocked and furious. But he kept his cool. He thought he and his wife got along well with his daughter-in-law’s children from a previous marriage. But he didn’t. He nearly bit his tongue in two to keep from saying what he wanted to say. Instead, he suggested to his daughter-in-law that Josh and he have a talk about grand children and grandparents and what the entire situation meant for all of them.
We have a young relative who was unhappy in college until she realized she was lesbian and wanted to “come out.” Since doing so, she has not lost a single friend, has graduated with a master’s in social work, joined a church, and is leading a wonderful, productive, helpful life.
Today I am so happy that I made the decision to leave my empty house and move to Maris Grove. I moved here in August ( an earthquake hit) and I believe that was Karma for me. I am with so many lovely people and joined the Maris Grove players and had a part in our show HAPPY DAZE …shooting pool ( never held a pool stick in my life) turning out to be champion!!! Never knew the WII game but I am bowling on it now. My children and grandchildren have their life and a busy one at that…I don’t interfere and being with my peers is stimulating and comforting. We have so much to do here there is no excuse to be bored. I have had many health issues and can’t dwell on that here. So, I look forward to a New Year and wish all of you elder chicks out there a very happy, healthy, prosperous new year.
